Why Eco-Shaming Your Friends and Family Is a Bad Idea

Hyper-fixating on individual actions won’t save the planet

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My mother-in-law is a hippie who lived in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood in the 1960s, communes in the Mountain West, you name it. She believes in natural food, Eastern medicine, and saving the planet. I really admire this part of her, but sometimes she takes her love of the earth and a healthy lifestyle a bit too far.

She despises single-use plastic, refuses to eat anything non-organic, and thinks sugar and screen time are the devil. My husband and I recycle and eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables from our garden. But we also share an Amazon account and a weakness for candy.

I’ve always felt she judged us a little, but since giving birth to my daughter four years ago, she’s become more verbal about it. She often criticizes what we feed our daughter. (Too many carbs! Too much sugar! Too much dairy!) She tries to discourage us from using Tylenol when our daughter’s teething. And if I had a dollar for every comment she’s made about the negative effects of screen time, I’d be rich.

I love what a big part she plays in our lives, but how do I deal with her judgment about our lifestyle choices?

Kudos to you for welcoming your mother-in-law into your life. Most of the stories I’m hearing from young parents right now are the opposite: they wish their families would be involved with the kids, but can’t get them interested in participating. You’re doing great things for your daughter by raising her in an intergenerational community, and it sounds like you know that you’re lucky to have the help. And yet. Being grateful for someone doesn’t mean they can’t absolutely drive you up the wall, and parenting is vulnerable enough without getting snarky judgment from someone in your own damn home.

I’m going to make a big guess about this situation, though. And maybe I’m off, but I think I’m onto something. Hear me out.

Is your mother-in-law being judgmental? Or is she worrying?

Let’s take a moment to differentiate. When we judge someone, we’re using information to make decisions about who we think they are. We’re evaluating their character based on details, rather than holistic knowledge. Are they a good or bad person? What are their morals? Are they hard-working, honest, sloppy, brave? We all do this, to some extent; we evaluate and categorize each other constantly. You see someone on the trail with a big smile, and you judge that they’re outdoorsy, with a great attitude. A kid plays nicely with your daughter at a park, and you judge that she’s sweet and has attentive parents. That’s how we sort our way through the world.

Judginess becomes a problem, though, when someone’s inclined toward negative evaluations, or when they refuse to reevaluate based on new information. Or—most of all—when they use their judgments to mistreat others.

Worrying, on the other hand, is more sympathetic. If your mother-in-law is worrying, she’s not trying to make evaluations about who you are. She’s just anxious that something bad will happen to her grandkid.

Let’s say mom-in-law walks into the living room, sees your kid watching Ms. Rachel, and gets agitated. What’s going on in her head? If she’s judging, she might be thinking that you’re a lazy mom. (Which is untrue, by the way! Even the fact that you wrote this note means that you’re active, loving, and committed to family peace.)

If she’s worrying, then something completely different is happening in her head. Maybe she thinks that television will hurt your daughter’s attention span, which will hurt her education, which will hurt—well, eventually—her whole life! She knows she’s nagging, but she can’t help it. Her voice rises. “TV, again?”

Judging and worrying may look exactly the same from the outside. Consider the rest of the interaction.

MIL: [tensely] TV, again?

You: [defensively] It’s just while I make lunch. Then we’re going out to the garden.

If you interpret her question as judging, there’s an edge to the exchange. There’s tension between you.

Consider the exact same scene again—but this time, you interpret her comment as worrying.

MIL: [tensely] TV, again?

You: [reassuringly] It’s just while I make lunch. Then we’re going out to the garden.

Do you feel how different that is? When you interpret her concerns as based in worry, rather than judgment, it can make these interactions a lot easier to deal with. You’re no longer constantly defending yourself. Instead, you’re just taking the time to be kind to an anxious, slightly out-of-touch grandparent.

Being grateful for someone doesn’t mean they can’t absolutely drive you up the wall, and parenting is vulnerable enough without getting snarky judgment from someone in your own damn home.

Of course, maybe your mother-in-law really is that judgy. Maybe she’s the Queen of Judging. In that case, your response—the way you choose to interpret her—should still be the same. If she’s trying to make you feel bad about yourself, and senses that it’s not working, she might back down a bit rather than continue to waste her energy. And if she’s actually just worrying, and saying these things out of anxiety, then your reassuring responses (and tone) could help her chill out over time, because she’ll understand that you care about the same things she does. Either way, responding to her comments with reassurance rather than defensiveness can help interrupt the cycle that you’re both in.

And if it doesn’t? Well, she’s been a hippie for a long time. You can take the hippie out of Haight-Ashbury, but you can’t—well, you know. She might just never be able to see, say, a blue raspberry Go-Gurt without wrinkling her nose. She’ll still do it when she’s 90. That’s how she remembers who she is.

And when you look at your beautiful daughter, scampering out of the living room to come pick berries in the backyard, you can remember who you are, rather than feeling like your good-mom-ness is called into question twenty times a day. Here’s the thing: it’s not in question. You’re a good mom. I know it—no matter how much Ms. Rachel and Go-Gurt are in your life. And you’re a great daughter-in-law, too.

Blair Braverman writes our Tough Love column. Previously, she has given advice on what to do if your loved one is obsessed with zero-waste living.